Relationships matter. Places matter. Cultures matter

Cross-cultural couples are couples in which each partner grew up in a different culture. They have differences in one or more cultural dimensions, such as race, ethnicity, religion, socio-economic status, language, geographical region, etc.

Cross-national couples are couples in which partners have different nationalities or, if they do have the same nationality, one has gained it as a result of immigration. Some couples have partners with different nationalities but some similar cultural dimensions (ethnicity for example).

Cross-cultural couples and cross-national couples are different from other couples in that they have to deal more explicitly with some individual differences.  Cross-national couples are unique in that they also have to work with and understand the experience of immigration or dislocation. This means that at least one partner interacts with a local and national community in which they were not raised and socialized and subsequently has, or has had in the past, to deal with issues of identity and belonging in a new context.

Partners may have to explore and learn the significance that some concepts, habits, traditions, and values have for each of them, sometimes at different times in their life. For example: What do certain words and concepts really mean? How do we express love? How do we offer support? What does it mean to get along? What do we celebrate? What do we teach our children? How do we relate to our extended families and friends?

Partners in cross-national couples may have to learn and adjust to how the interactions with the local community and the host country impact the immigrant partner and, as a result, the couple. Different stages in life can present different issues. 

A culturally-aware therapist can help a couple identify its specific strengths and areas of weakness and explore and reflect on the particular challenges, but also on the enrichment, brought by their having been raised, schooled, or socialized in different cultures and/or countries. Therapy can help them reach a deeper understanding of each other’s cultural differences and find productive ways to bridge them. Sometimes there are differences that are not a source of tension within the couple, but can become problematic when the couple interacts with society or can be seen as problematic by the extended families or by friends. Therapy can also help a couple reflect on their particular experience of bi-culturalism or multi-culturalism, how this informs the family they create together, and how this may impacts their families of origin. 

 Mark and Kim are a married couple in their mid-30s. They have been together for several years and care deeply for each other but are finding themselves increasingly estranged. They are hesitant to start a family, as they feel tense around each other and don’t know how to receive and offer support to each other any more in the way they used to. 

Mark is a Caucasian American of Northern European descent. His parents have a strong marriage but are not close to their children: Mark rarely sees them or speaks with them and thinks they participate little in his life. At times he finds this to be sad, at times he accepts this as his family’s norm. 

Kim is from South Korea and immigrated to the US with her parents when she was 8 years old. Her parents moved back to their home country when she started college but are planning on moving back to the US for their retirement. They have a very conflictual marriage and both feel very close to Kim, their only child.  Kim’s parents visit the couple for several weeks at a time once or twice a year. During these visits, they hardly speak English at home and criticize Mark, who doesn’t speak the language, in Korean with Kim.  When her parents are in Korea, Kim is expected to offer them support several times a week in the form of long Skype sessions. Kim feels torn between her husband and her parents, sometimes feeling angry with one and sometimes with the others, but even more frequently with both.

 Mark and Kim are hurt and confused: they married for love (and against Kim’s parents’ wishes) and now they see their communication failing. 

In our therapy sessions, we begin to talk about their cultural and families’ legacies and cultural values.  Mark has not given Kim’s culture much reflection, as she has been in the US for many years. He doesn’t understand Kim’s conflict of loyalties, and even Kim herself is surprised by the intensity of her feelings. They experience much relief when we begin examining the couple’s impasse through a cultural lens, as this helps them understand and express their frustrations more productively. Kim starts to articulate the complexity of her bi-cultural identity: her role as the only child of aging Korean parents, her cultural duties towards them, and her individual transition from a traditional to a more modern family model. As Mark learns to listen more attentively, he also starts to better understand his own family’s emotional legacy and Kim’s experiences. They start to feel more secure and connected and Kim learns to define her individual and cultural identity. By the end of therapy, they report feeling closer and more committed than ever to their marriage. Because of their work on themselves and on their relationship, they also feel they can begin to start planning a family.